you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
