That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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