She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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