Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
