I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
