There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
