Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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