So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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