Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
