ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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