Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
