if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
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