I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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