Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
