there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i need some magic done to my vagina
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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