Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
