hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
