glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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