there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
