We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
