You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
