The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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