Your face is a jimmy john
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
