Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
