he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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