The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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