Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
