Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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