I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
