he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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