Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
