We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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