just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So here I am, sexting at work.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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