I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
