singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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