before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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