Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
