its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
