Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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