You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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