Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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