After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
