she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
