Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
