I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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