and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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