I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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