I think I won the penis lottery.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
