Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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