woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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