i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
