I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
