I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
