Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
