I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
