it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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