happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
