wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
