she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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