That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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