I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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