he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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